Reader Submission: Lee

The following reader submission has been altered ever-so slightly to retain the privacy of the person, to whom this story belongs. Names have been changed. 

Please leave any comments/feedback for Lee, as it would mean a lot to him. 

Amy xx

Hi Guys.

I’m sitting here with my trusted pal, my dog, Bob, who is very old but loyal to me.

Having read your stories, I say to myself, “What the hell have I to moan about?”, but bear with me. I’m 46 and feel a total failure. I’ve always put myself out to help others… I don't even know were to start (so if I jump back and forth I’m sorry).

I had a very sad childhood; I never felt loved as a child from my mother and my dad just went along with whatever my mother said. I was abused by a neighbour, and I suppose that's where it started. I tried to tell my parents but they didn't believe me, instead, choosing to believe that the neighbour was an upstanding pillar of the community. So, I just kept it to myself saying I was wrong it was my fault and I was dirty.

I never really mixed as a kid after that, and I kept myself to myself. I was bullied in school so this affected my schooling and my grades. I left school at 15 after my group cert and got an apprenticeship as a Mechanic.

I met a girl and got engaged, and then married at 21 much to the disgust of my parents who believed she was from the wrong side of town. On the eve of my wedding I confided in my sister that I didn’t want to get married. She then said this to my mother and her reply was he has made his bed he may lie in it. Within a year the marriage was over (I couldn't take the beatings or abuse any longer) and I left the house and everything to her just to get out.

After several years thinking I’d never meet anyone again, I met this wonderful girl, we fell in love and after many hurdles we got married. Money was tight but we scrimped and saved. She pushed me (in a good way) to try and better myself and I did. I got a better job and worked my way up to a senior position (something I never believed I could do) and for 16 years and 3 wonderful kids later it was OK. During those 16 years I did notice the control issue by her but brushed it off.

After being the main provider for so many years, my father became ill with cancer he passed away after a very long battle on my birthday, my job became an issue (in the start of recession) I was approached by a major company and I jumped at this but after 6 months I couldn't take the pressure any longer and I broke down I had contemplated finishing it all (but I didn't because of my wife and kids) I walked out of my job and thought I'd get something else.

I went to my doctor and he gave me anti-depressants, after a while he upped dose and then again, and then he put me in touch with health care and the first thing they did was double his dosage, which had me like a zombie. I was introduced to a different doctor (by a friend!!!) who told me that the tablets I was on would kill me and so he set about getting me off them (this took about a year).

During this time he advised me to go and have some counselling which I did ( I found it very hard to open up, due to trust issues. After so many years of holding everything back from everyone, this time I was slowly getting better. My wife went off with the friend who had introduced me to the doctor. We went to marriage counselling and worked through this (as I thought) but after 18 months she told me she wanted a separation. Believe it or not this hit me out of the blue…even the counsellor was shocked. I continued with my counsellor but then out of the blue she said there was nothing more she could do for me.

Since then (2 years) I’ve been in limbo, I’m constantly told by my ex-wife that it was all my fault and this is wearing me down, I look at my kids and blame myself for everything (which is wrong but I still do). I've no idea what to do and don’t know where to turn to for help.

I’m sure I’ve missed some bits and I’m sorry, Thanks for taking the time to read this may be you can help maybe you can't but thanks anyway. I've no confidence in myself and don’t believe in myself and feel I'm letting my kids down so any advice would help.

This is for my kids.

Very let down with life

-Lee x