Kaylieghs Story

Trigger Warning:

Contains information about self-injurious behaviour and eating disorders which some readers may find triggering. 

"Strength means recognizing that is is impossible to be strong all the time" ~ Sally Franser

Okay, so this is a little hard to write, I thought I had locked all of this away in a box and put it all in the past. However, the past never stays in the past, does it? But I can't deny my past as it has made me who I am today, I guess that in some way I am thankful to all the crappy things I went through because if I didn't go through them I may have taken a very different path.

So I am Kayliegh and I am 22 and I didn't really have the easiest teenage years to say the least (I feel like I am standing up at an AA meeting or something) and since I was 16 I have been a cutter. I have never said those words like that before it's weird as I never put myself into a category I would always make excuses for my actions but now I realize I was just kidding myself.  

"People have no idea how long something they say can stay in ones mind".

I was never one of the popular kids, I wasn't one of the smart people, I didn't fit into any group so I would bury myself into school work to try and bring up my grades and I started to get smarter. That didn't help as then I was bullied for being to smart then I decided to dumb myself down to try and stop the name calling. I didn't have many friends I had a few people who I though were my friends but they were not really, I learned that the hard way. Then I felt isolated and I didn't know it at the time but I was sinking into depression. I started to feel more lonely and that loneliness was getting worse by the day so I started to hurt myself. For some reason hurting myself made the lonely feelings better and more bearable. I went on doing this for about a year and slowly I became addicted to it, I needed to it get through the day. One night I was on first aid duty at a football match with some true friends and I passed out and they took me to the hospital and this is where my secret was revealed. At this point I was 17 and I was forced to go to see a counselor and I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder and participating in self-injurious behavior. So once a week I would sit in a room with a woman I didn't know and I was expected to tell her everything I was thinking, it was hard but I slowly opened up. Later in my sessions I was diagnosed with bulimia. The think about bulimia is that you don't have to be dangerously thin to be diagnosed and that's why for me it was the perfect alternative to cutting myself because in a way I was still hurting myself. 

Through counseling I started to feel better about myself and I managed to stop. I continued the counseling through my final year in secondary school because I was terrified that with the pressure I would be under that I would start doing it again. I continued it and I made it through the year without hurting myself.

"One day can change everything......"

When I went to college all this changed.........

College is a totally different world to secondary school, new people, new city, new life and a new me..... or so I thought. Even though I made some amazing friends I still felt so isolated and I could feel myself slipping again. Slowly the urges I had felt for the past two years to hurt were getting stronger and stronger and one day I slipped up and that was it. It started to creep back into my life. It started out as one cut every few days, but it became two every day and then more and more to where I couldn't get through one lecture a day without cutting myself and my eating had gotten bad again to the point where I was eating once a day but throwing that up when I would go for a shower. I was back in the dark place I thought I had left behind forever.

"Sometimes all we can do is cry...."

One night I broke and I could no longer keep up the facade and I told my best friend Chris. He was shocked that I had kept this from him when eight months previous to this we were together, I have never been able to figure out why I could tell him but no one else. I was only in my first year of my psychology degree and I didn't want to live anymore, the pressure was just to immense and I didn't know how to handle it and I didn't want to tell my parents as they thought I was better and I didn't want to put them through what they went through when they found out the first time. I was shocked by something Chris did, he never gave up on me. He would sit up until all hours of the morning taking to me and telling me everything would be okay. He pushed me and pushed me to help me get better and be the person that he knew! He knew that I could get better even when I didn't know it, he had faith when I didn't have anything to hold onto. 

"There is always one way out of hell, and that is through it"~ Winston Churchill

The hardest day during this time was the day I gave up my blades to Chris, but I hit rock bottom when I walked over an hour to his house to get them back. However, when I had them I did not feel any of the comfort I used to when I had them. I could never leave the house without at least one blade, they were like a comfort blanket to me bit this time I felt nothing but contempt for them. They changed me, they took away the spark that I had and they hacked that spark into little pieces and changed me into someone I didn't recognize in the slightest. I knew things had to change and that was the moment that I knew that I wanted to get better for me. That was the day that I really knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life..... I wanted to clean up and become a counselor, I wanted to help people who went through crappy things in their life. I wanted to help people who thought that their life was not worth living anymore. 

So that's what I did I sorted myself out with the help of Chris. I am not saying that everything is great now, those urges never go away when I am down or sad or feel like I am not good enough I feel like I want to hurt but I fight those urges and say 'no' I am not going back there because getting to the place where I don't do it everyday took a lot of work and commitment and nights up crying and distracting myself but for the past two years I have been totally clean.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger......."

They say you need life experience to be a counselor, I think between deaths, family members just getting up and leaving, being bullied because I was half English living in Ireland, people stabbing me in the back at every turn, building my walls to keep people out, not trusting guys, depression, anxiety, self-harm and coming out the other end of it, I think I have been through enough.

I have proved a lot of people wrong by getting to the place I am in right now. I have been to hell and back and I'm still standing and I have the scars to prove it. For so long I was ashamed of my scars and my past and I hid myself and would never wear anything that would run the chance of people seeing them but now I don't care, I don't care who sees them now. As weird as it sounds I wear them with some pride, they show that I have been trough a tough dark time in my life but I am proof that there is a way out of it. 

I have some amazing friends now that don't judge me for this and they are partly the reason I am still here. They will never know how much I value them and how much I am in debt to them for saving me and at times they quiet literally saved my life. I don't think Chris knows how much I love him for saving me and believing in me when so many others would have walked away and I can never thank him enough for it and Amy too. Even when Amy and I didn't really know each other she still let him help me and she helped too. Even when me and chris fought she pushed us to talk and she knows when she did this and I thank her for that because if she didn't that could have been the end of our friendship. And I have an amazing boyfriend that helps me and looks past all my mistakes and all of my past and loves me for me and loves all of me when alot of people would not be able to. So thank you guys for believing in me because sometimes people need someone to believe in them before they can believe in themselves.

"Scars are like battle wounds, beautiful in way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it" ~ Demi Lovato

Mental health is not really addressed, there is this ridicules stigma with it, like it is a taboo or something! There is not nearly enough emphasis on it as there is with other problems, and that sickens me! Due to this stupid stigma I was afraid to write and publish this but I think it is about time more people stood up and started telling their story. 

So this is me telling mine and if it will encourage one person out there to tell their story and that their life is worth living then I have done my job.

Always remember in the dark of night, even when you can't see them, the stars are still there.......

Stay strong my lovelies

Kayliegh

xox