Reader Submission: Lee

The following reader submission has been altered ever-so slightly to retain the privacy of the person, to whom this story belongs. Names have been changed. 

Please leave any comments/feedback for Lee, as it would mean a lot to him. 

Amy xx

Hi Guys.

I’m sitting here with my trusted pal, my dog, Bob, who is very old but loyal to me.

Having read your stories, I say to myself, “What the hell have I to moan about?”, but bear with me. I’m 46 and feel a total failure. I’ve always put myself out to help others… I don't even know were to start (so if I jump back and forth I’m sorry).

I had a very sad childhood; I never felt loved as a child from my mother and my dad just went along with whatever my mother said. I was abused by a neighbour, and I suppose that's where it started. I tried to tell my parents but they didn't believe me, instead, choosing to believe that the neighbour was an upstanding pillar of the community. So, I just kept it to myself saying I was wrong it was my fault and I was dirty.

I never really mixed as a kid after that, and I kept myself to myself. I was bullied in school so this affected my schooling and my grades. I left school at 15 after my group cert and got an apprenticeship as a Mechanic.

I met a girl and got engaged, and then married at 21 much to the disgust of my parents who believed she was from the wrong side of town. On the eve of my wedding I confided in my sister that I didn’t want to get married. She then said this to my mother and her reply was he has made his bed he may lie in it. Within a year the marriage was over (I couldn't take the beatings or abuse any longer) and I left the house and everything to her just to get out.

After several years thinking I’d never meet anyone again, I met this wonderful girl, we fell in love and after many hurdles we got married. Money was tight but we scrimped and saved. She pushed me (in a good way) to try and better myself and I did. I got a better job and worked my way up to a senior position (something I never believed I could do) and for 16 years and 3 wonderful kids later it was OK. During those 16 years I did notice the control issue by her but brushed it off.

After being the main provider for so many years, my father became ill with cancer he passed away after a very long battle on my birthday, my job became an issue (in the start of recession) I was approached by a major company and I jumped at this but after 6 months I couldn't take the pressure any longer and I broke down I had contemplated finishing it all (but I didn't because of my wife and kids) I walked out of my job and thought I'd get something else.

I went to my doctor and he gave me anti-depressants, after a while he upped dose and then again, and then he put me in touch with health care and the first thing they did was double his dosage, which had me like a zombie. I was introduced to a different doctor (by a friend!!!) who told me that the tablets I was on would kill me and so he set about getting me off them (this took about a year).

During this time he advised me to go and have some counselling which I did ( I found it very hard to open up, due to trust issues. After so many years of holding everything back from everyone, this time I was slowly getting better. My wife went off with the friend who had introduced me to the doctor. We went to marriage counselling and worked through this (as I thought) but after 18 months she told me she wanted a separation. Believe it or not this hit me out of the blue…even the counsellor was shocked. I continued with my counsellor but then out of the blue she said there was nothing more she could do for me.

Since then (2 years) I’ve been in limbo, I’m constantly told by my ex-wife that it was all my fault and this is wearing me down, I look at my kids and blame myself for everything (which is wrong but I still do). I've no idea what to do and don’t know where to turn to for help.

I’m sure I’ve missed some bits and I’m sorry, Thanks for taking the time to read this may be you can help maybe you can't but thanks anyway. I've no confidence in myself and don’t believe in myself and feel I'm letting my kids down so any advice would help.

This is for my kids.

Very let down with life

-Lee x

Do You Really Know Me, Really?

Hey guys,

First just let me quickly apologize for my absence last week, I was snowed under all weekend. I'm back now though, and hopefully you can forgive the gap I left in our posting two by two! Secondly, this following post is going to be a bit of a personal one, so as to balance out the POV's we have on here. Kayliegh has posted two absolutely brilliant blogs on here about eating disorders, today, and last Monday! Here is my personal ramblings on the topic...

Now.

Do you really know me? If you saw me on the street would you know that I used to starve myself on purpose? Would you be able to tell? I bet you wouldn't. I wouldn't be on for advertising the fact. But its the truth.

People in my life, all of whom know me pretty well, will know that I am a big fan of my food. As a kid, I was the only person I knew, of my age, who would willingly eat a salad. My mother has even told me the stories of when I was maybe four, sitting on her knee in a cafe with her friend, helping her eat a giant plate of salad. We used to share salads when we went shopping, I remember them vividly. One plate, two sets of forks.

I don't know how or when I started skipping meals, but it certainly wasn't to be thin. I only say this because it will aid me getting my point across: I have been stick-thin since my puppy fat dropped off, around the age of 3 or 4. My family found it an unmitigated nightmare to get me clothes that fit. Being tall and thin as a child helps nobody, especially when the clothes are sold by age, rather than size!

I have never skipped a meal to aid in weight-loss, that much is true. I did so because I thought I deserved to be punished for the bad things I did, the bad person I was. If I had a fight with my boyfriend, I wouldn't eat til maybe, dinner the next day to punish myself for "being a shit person", as I rationalized it.

I hated myself for being weak (and to me being weak was my anxiety, my panic attacks, my constant battles with depression), for making people miserable, and so, I would deliberately skip meals to atone. I have lied to everyone at some point, maybe even you, the person reading this. "Yes, I had breakfast!" was the most common lie. Breakfast is the most important meal, so the old adage goes, but to me, it was the meal that I would deliberately skip, because it was easy to. When lunch came around, it was again, very easy to be really busy until the hunger went away.

At the worst of my self-inflicted punishment, I was working off maybe one slice of toast for a whole day, plus coffee or tea and my anti-depressant medication.

I ate alone, or I didn't eat at all. There was no middle ground. My family are well used to me disappearing with a plate of something to my room. It's never questioned. I can't abide eating with people, though. I make an exception when I'm out with people, but generally, if you pay attention, you may notice (at shoots, for example) that I will eat my lunch before everyone else, and then wander off to do something while everyone else is laying into their food.

In my head at the time, starving was the only way I could be punished for being the awful person that I felt I was. If I made someone feel bad, I would make myself feel ten times worse to, as I saw it, even things out.

Passing out in my back yard was the last straw, or the second to last, as you'll understand in a moment. I gave my mother the fright of her life, after I skipped two days worth of meals, on the third I got up to make something, because I felt ill and that was a warning sign, only to feel dizzy and go out for air. I don't remember anything after that until I was being rushed to the GP for an emergency appointment. It was brushed off as a drop in blood sugars. I had to have my blood pressure monitored every day for a week but nothing more. I went home and had a salad.

The next time I passed out, I did it in the kitchen, after another "punishment" session. I remember eating soup, sitting on my kitchen floor, when I came around. I think my mother was less fazed by the second collapse than the first because I wasn't hauled off to the GP, this time around. But two faints were enough to tell me to get my shit together. Mam was scared the first time. I was scared the second time.

Its only been in the past few months I've been eating properly again. It's been oddly tough, and I do slip into old ways on occasion, but mostly its been a conscious effort on my part. I still eat irregularly, but the irregularity is usually based off genuinely not feeling hungry at that moment. As someone who lied about food, day in, day out, I can admit right here that I was good at looking like I was eating, but when I was alone, I was doing everything possible to avoid food. These days, I make a mission of having food. If I do skip breakfast, I will pointedly eat a big lunch, and I love a good dinner now. Chris and I talk about this from time to time and he will usually be the voice of reason, my conscience on the outside.

To this day, I don't believe I have, or have had an eating disorder, though, I'm sure there are plenty who would disagree because I always try to eat alone. People may not even believe me when they read this as they may have seen me hoovering down a bowl of pasta, or chomping down a wrap.

I still eat alone.

Let me know if you have had any similar experiences, and if you have, have you overcome them? If you are struggling, I am here to talk to you.

All my love,
Amy
xo

Anorexia

Hi guys!

This weeks topic is anorexia from a psychological point of view. If you are a sufferer or are recovered please get your views on this topic :)

The term anorexia nervosa mean 'lack of appetite induced by nervousness' however the lack of an appetite is not the problem. It is characterized by a fear of gaining weight and refusal to maintain normal weight (85% of expected weight) along with distorted perception of body and absence of 3 consecutive periods. 
Some have questioned the value of the DSM-IV criteria as studies have suggested women who menstruate but match all other criteria are just as ill. For men the equivalent of missed periods is a lack of sexual appetite and low testosterone. However, many who suffer from anorexia do not believe they have a problem. 
There are two types of anorexia:

• Restrictive- They limit the amount of food they take in, they often avoid eating infront of others and even dispose of their food secretly.
• Binge- Eating/Purging- The individual will purge as a compensatory behaviour through methods of self-induced vomiting, laxatives, diuretics and enemas.

The mortality rate of eating disordered females in more than 12 times higher than that of the general population. Death can result from anorexia either from consequence of starvation or suicidal behaviour. There is a lifetime prevalence of 0.5% with 10 females to every male with the disorder.

Eating disorder diagnosis are commonly associated with other disorders:

• 68% of those suffering with anorexia will be diagnosed with with depression (O'Brien and Vincent, 2003) and OCD (Kaye et al., 2004).
•  Binge eating anorexia has a frequent occurrence with substance abuse (Steiger et al., 1999) 
• Restrictive anorexia is associated with personality disorders (Skodol et al., 1993).
• Anorexia is associated with BPD (O'Brien & Vincent, 2003)
• More than one third of patients have engaged in some kind of self-harming behaviours for example cutting (Paul et al., 2002).

Clinical management for eating disorders is a serious challenge as patients are conflicted about getting better with 17% of people committed to hospital against their will (Watson et al, 2000). There has been a high therapy drop out rate and there is no evidence that medication works in the treatment with anorexia (Firburn & Harison, 2003). 

The treatment of choice for adolescents with anorexia is family therapy if the individual developed the disorder before they were 19 years old and had been suffering for less than three years.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is used in the treatment of anorexia. It focuses on changing behaviour and maladaptive thinking. There is a recommended length of 1-2 years and it is shown to reduce the severity of symptoms. 

Like with all treatments and disorder it takes will power and the drive in yourself to get to a good place and develop from the eating disorder. 

I would love to hear some personal experiences of anorexia and how you are over coming it.

Kayliegh

xox

Eating Disorders ~ Bulimia.

Hi Guys!

This weeks post is about Bulimia. I am writing this from a psychological theory perspective and my experience.

An eating disorder is defined in the APA as abnormal eating habits that threaten your health or even your life which include Anorexia, Bulimia and BED (Binge Eating Disorder). At the heart of Bulimia there is an intense fear of gaining weight and a pursuit of thinness which can sometimes be deadly. 

Bulimia Nervosa is characterized by binge eating and efforts to prevent weight gain such as self-induced vomiting, excessive exercising and many more.  To be diagnosed with bulimia the individual must have recurrent episodes of binge eating and efforts to compensate for it, along with being influenced by body weight and body shape. The average binge would consist of over 4,800 calories. 

There are two main sub-types of bulimia: 

1. Purging Sub-Type ~ compensates for a binge with efforts to expel the food from their body.
2. Non-Purging Sub-Type ~ Compensate with excessive exercising and fasting.

Purging sub-type bulimia accounts for about 80% of reported bulimia cases.

The individual is usually of a normal weight or even over weight, however if they reach the criteria for binge eating anorexia they could be diagnosed with this as there is a greater mortality risk involved. The average onset for bulimia is 20 to 24 years old with a life time prevalence of 1% to 3% and a rate of one male to every ten females with an eating disorder.

Bulimia can lead to electrolyte imbalance, low potassium, damage to hands, throat and teeth due to purging, heart abnormalities and damage to heart muscle.

This is considered a modern disorder and children as young as 7 have been known to develop eating disorders. It is debated as to if bulimia and anorexia should be classed as different disorders as may who meet the criteria for bulimia have previously been diagnosed with anorexia. 

Eating disorders are commonly associated with with other disorders as 63% of individuals are diagnosed with depression along with occurrences of OCD, substance abuse, BPD (bi-polar disorder) and in more than 33% of reported cases the individual has engaged in some kind of self harming behavior. 

There is no one cause of an eating disorder and it is thought that it could be a result of biological, sociocultural, family and individual variables. 

Now you have the facts this is my experience with bulimia.

An eating disorder is never something you get over, it gets better but it doesn't just disappear. In the past six years of being diagnosed with bulimia I have gone through hard times. It had gotten to the stage where I was okay with eating and feeling good about it but there were times where I could not take the pressure of college or school and it got bad again. I just had to keep fighting it.

There were times that I could not bring myself to eat in front of others. We would be sat at college and we would all go for lunch but I would not eat because I knew if I did, I would have to purge and someone would find out. It was not until after we had our first discussion about eating disorders that a friend found me out. She didn't treat me any different and she didn't pressure me to eat either. She would ask me if I felt up to it today to try and encourage me to eat but if I said no she would not force me to eat. But most importantly she didn't tell anyone, she kept my secret and that was the best thing she could do for me. 

There was times where I was going over 24 hours with one meal and I was throwing that up as fast as I could. I would pass out because I would be that dizzy and at times I would not be able to see properly when I had finished getting every last bit of food out of me. I hated myself and always felt like I was not good enough or worthy in a way. Now I am able to eat a meal without feeling horrible, I am able to go out to dinner with my boyfriend and feel good about it. Yeah the feelings of wanting to purge are there but I fight them back because I know that nothing matters aslong as the people who love me are around me. I fight the feelings and urges because I know I am stronger than any urge can be.

Just remember that no matter what you are stronger than any urge will ever be!

If you would like any more information or need to talk about anything please remember that we are here to talk to you and help you. If you would like to know anything more about this topic tweet us, comment or e-mail us and we will help as well as we can.

Kayliegh

xox

Week 2: Depression

       If you look in the dictionary, Depression is defined as:

de·pres·sion

  [dih-presh-uhn]
noun

1.  the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4. sadness; gloom; dejection.
5. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal;sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.

But, though the definition may be technically correct, it doesn't explain the feelings associated with it, or the various types of depression there are. So I decided to look it up in a Medical Dictionary. Again, I don't really think it does it the justice it deserves... 

1. "The act of depressing or the state of being depressed.
2.  A reduction in physiological vigor or activity.
3.  A lowering in amount, degree, or position.
4.  An inward displacement of a body part.
5.  A hollow or sunken area.
6.  The condition of feeling sad or despondent.

 A psychotic or neurotic condition characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, and feelings of extreme sadness, dejection, and hopelessness."

This definition isn't much cop either if you ask me! I firmly believe Depression to be unique to each sufferer. 

During my struggle with GAD which often can be connected with depression, there were days where I refused to get out of bed, not even to eat. I just wasn't bothered, it seemed like too much effort and I wanted to do nothing but sleep, which is characteristic of depression. I also lost all interest in going out, being with people, and I just holed myself up in my house refusing to see my friends or shoot. 

I coped with my depressive state in both seriously negative ways (being withdrawn from people, deliberately not eating etc) to pretty good, constructive ways (distraction techniques, reaching out to friends etc) and pushing myself to do the things I didn't want to (getting help, getting back into sport). Though it was hard at first it got easier, and though sometimes I still revert to the bad ways of coping, like not eating or hiding out from people, I can identify them as negative and I make a conscious effort to change my ways. 

Depression cannot magically be cured, and that, at least for me, is the worst bit. There are days I just cant find a reason to get up, there are days when I just want to sleep. But every day, I try to get up and when I have some kind of work to do I know I have to make the effort. This week I've been so unbelievably busy, and its been a fantastic distraction. 

I know that to many people, it seems like their whole lives are ruled by their depression, be it Manic, Atypical, Psychotic or Dysthymia, and it may seem like life is just too hard to cope with, but I would ask everyone who reads this, to find a reason tomorrow to get up, have something to eat, if you're on them, take your meds, and do something you've stopped doing, like going out with friends, or walking the dog. 

As my doctors told me "You have to work to get better, medication won't get you all the way..."

All my love, 

Amy

xx

Depression

Hi Guys!

So this week is all about depression. Depression is something that anyone can suffer from, it is not age, gender or cultural specific, it is experienced through all cultures! 

Through my experience with depression I have learned a lot. I have been able to distinguish between general down days and actual depressed feelings. At my worse I didn't want to do anything, I had to find a reason each day to even get up out of bed, even if that reason was to go to the bathroom. There are different types of depression and the symptoms can vary. However, depressive disorder has a high co-morbidity rate with other disorders such as eating disorders, stress disorders, anxiety disorders and many more. No matter what group of depressives the person can fall into it can still have a huge effect on the persons life. It is a really hard thing to go through. The worst thing is that you can never truly be 'cured' of depression, you just learn to cope with it and manage it to the point where it will not have as big an impact on your life. 

There are still days where I don't know why I should get out of bed. There are times where I can just sit in bed and cry my heart out and I will not really know why. And 'Why?' is that question I want to know the answer to but I will never really know. I think one day I will come to terms with my depression and the impact that I (in a way) allow it to have on my life. I feel that at times I do not fight it as hard as I should and as hard as I know I can fight it. 

I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 16 years old, but my psychologist believed from talking to both me and my mum that I had been suffering from it for years previous to that and it had all just gotten too much and it had become more noticeable through my self-harm. My self-harm was my way to release the sheer and utter sadness that I had inside. 

Everyone has a different experience with depression. Just like with all depressive disorders you can not compare two people. Which is why all coping methods are unique to each person.

My depression is still something I battle to this day but I am ploughing through it and each day I find a reason to get out of bed even if it is to go to the bathroom and once I am out I figure I should stay up for the day. On these days I put on my boyfriends tracksuit bottoms and his big hoodie and lounge around watching crappy films and on the day if my eating is good I will eat popcorn and sit and talk to my best friends all day, But if my eating is not good I do not eat which is not the best thing to do. But the important thing it to try.

So this is a short synopsis of my depression, of you want more just tell me :)

Stay Strong My Lovelies

Kayliegh

xox

MHM Week 1: Coping (Amy's POV)

Hi Guys, Amy here! What follows below is a personal account of how I cope with bad days. I would just like to thank the lovely Siobhan for choosing this topic for myself and Kayliegh before she went on holidays! I really enjoyed writing about t his topic.

Without further ado...

Coping with Bad Days/Down Days

To me, bad days are generally categorized into two different types. There’s the generic day where I just feel bad and there’s no reason for feeling down. There is also the day’s where I’m upset by something, or trying to pick back up in the aftermath of a Panic Attack. I am going to focus on the more serious days.

On the days after a panic attack, I admit I don't really deal with life very well. I had to deal with the aftermath of a panic on Thursday just gone, as a matter of fact. It was the first one in a year. On Thursday, admittedly I was a shambles, but I dragged myself out of bed and just tried to carry on. I did the things I felt like doing, rather than the things I should have been doing. I ate crap food, including lactose heavy foods, and I drank more tea that day that I would drink in a week under normal circumstances. I coped with my feelings pretty badly, but my defence is that they were kind of new to me, in a way. I haven't felt them in 12 months. Somewhere during my day of just trying to get by, it stopped being such an effort and normality returned. On these days, you just have to just will yourself to keep going on. Yes, I hear you saying “It’s so hard though” but you can do it. I know that you are able to.

Things That Help(ed) Me:

1: Archery

Let’s just take it back a bit. It’s 2011, and I’m suffering from frequent, often un-provoked panic attacks. To cope, I threw myself into my sport, Archery. I shot a lot. 3 or 4 days a week and I competed at every opportunity. I shot in National level events, and throwing myself into Archery helped me not only find a way to cope, but I steadily made more and more new friends, performed better and better, and placed. I was able to say for a while that I was the 2nd Junior Irish Female shooting Outdoors in the country. That was Cork. Dundalk saw me as 3^rd Indoor in the same category. Archery was a primary method of coping during that time. 

I will always tell people that sports help.

2: Music

During that time period, I was also REALLY into my music. I listened to what I can now admit was dark, heavy and often depressing music. I thought it helped at the time, but now I know it was glorifying depressive states, suicide, self-harm, and self-hate. It was what I needed to get through in that time, but nowadays I lean towards music that is more inclined to reduce the time I spend wallowing, as well as reducing the depth of the funk. 

Lately, I am favouring the soundtrack from The Great Gatsby and bands like Dropkick Murphys, over the bands I once never strayed from like HIM and Cradle Of Filth. Punk-Rock covers of Irish ballads win over Cradle of Filths “Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids”, though, I cannot state categorically that I am not still really partial to a bit of Dani Filth, and my favourite band are indeed still HIM, I have learned that they don’t help an already sad Amy.

3: Talking

When I can’t get out of a slump by myself, I will text/call someone for a chat. It doesn’t always have to be about how I’m feeling, because I love the chats with people, and a lot of times all I need is company. When my friend Anna is home, I go over to hers for tea and I have never left her house without having a hilarious, random time.

If you can’t talk about things with someone you know, there are plenty of peer-to-peer services like O La Go La, where you can anonymously talk about what you are feeling and find help to get through it.

4: Distraction

Music probably falls under this bracket, but for all intents and purposes, I mean doing things. You might be feeling wretched, but does the thought of cake make you go, “Ooh yeah I wouldn’t mind a slice of cake…”? Then you should set about making a cake. The process is extrememly comforting, the mixing, the pouring, measuring etc. Methodical tasks calm me down majorly. Maybe it would work for you too. And hey, who doesn’t love a few hours distraction that is going to end in cake?!

My Advice To You

If I could give anyone advice on how to get through a day where you feel really down, I would tell you definitely to do the following:

·        Get up, get out of bed. Yes, I know it's warm, and it's comfy, but you will feel the better of it because you will get your blood flowing.

·        Have a shower, even if you are just doing so as an excuse to get into fresh pyjamas afterwards! Showers are a place to think, I find, and a place to just let go of bad feelings. Imagine the water washing your bad day down the drain!

·        Eat something. I cannot stress this enough. I don't care what you eat, if could be a pack of celery, it could be a box of doughnuts, but just have food. Starving yourself doesn’t help anything.

·        Open some windows. Fresh air always helps me, so maybe it might be beneficial for you. Better still, try to go outside, bring a cup of tea or coffee with you into the garden and enjoy it outside.

As for the rest of it, here are some suggestions for things to fill up your day, and occupy you so you don't dwell on your bad feelings and risk spiralling.

·        Clean your room or your house

·        Read a book

·        Talk to a friend. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.

·        Talk to your pets. I do this, and I promise, it's not a crazy-cat-lady thing; it really does help, especially when they look at you and you know they know what you’re talking about.

·        Go for a walk (If the Irish weather permits, of course!)

·        Bake a cake (occupies you, AND you get cake!! One of my favourite ways to kill a few sad hours)

·        Catch up on your blog reading if that's your thing

·        Watch a movie. (Stay away from movies that might make you cry, instead, go for animations)

·        Browse online for random things! thisiswhyimbroke.com is a fantastic website for this kind of thing!!

·        Organize something (eg: I'm waiting for a down day to alphabetise my DVD collection, and another to reorganize my chest of drawers)

·        Learn a new skill. I got good at building Airfix models and Warhammer figurines during the time when my life was a series of down days! By the time I got to learn Crochet, I was doing a lot better because I was occupying myself and getting woolly goodies out of my bad feelings.

·        Clear out your wardrobe, and give some things to charity. Often, we feel better from the knowledge that we are helping people, as well as making space in our wardrobes. Then you can treat yourself to something in the future!

No matter what, I want you to please try to remember that if your day is going badly, if you’re feeling down, the only person who can pick you up and keep you up, is you. I would urge you, if life seems to be really awful, to go to your GP and explain how you feel. They can help, and they will have the means to get you back to top form!

The things I’ve listed above have been a means of keeping myself going when I was really down at one point or another. I would love so much to hear your Coping Techniques, as well as what you think of the ones I use. Do you see yourself trying out anything from the list?

Please feel free to post your coping strategies to your own blog, and tweet us the link @MentalHealthMon with the hashtag #MHM. Similarly, you can email us your stories if you would like us to share them. You can choose to be named, or be made anonymous. Remember, our little team will respect whatever you wish to do! All the contact info is in the "Contact Us" tab on the homepage.

All My Love,

Amy

xx

Week 1 ~ Coping Mechanisms

Hi guys!

So this weeks topic s is about coping on down days. Now we all have different methods of coping and dealing with things and these are the ways that I cope with my down days…..

First ART……

When I was at my worst I would sit in my room and draw for hours on end and draw. It was always something I loved at school, it was the reason I went. I used art as a coping mechanism for years but I never realised that I used it in this way until I went to counselling and she asked me what I would do most of the time and I told her “I love to draw”. I would use it as a media to release the feelings that I would not express through words. I guess in a way I used it as a way to create a world where everything was perfect and it helped with the pain I felt. It was not until recently I looked back at the things that I drew and they were kinda dark. I also remember being so over protective of it too, I would get really mad when people would look at it like it was really personal; it was my way of expressing and getting out of my head. I found it helped a lot.

Second MUSIC…..

I would sit in my room with my I-Pod in and listen to music. It didn’t matter what music it was it was just another way of escape. When I listened to music I would be in any world my mind dreamed up. I also went through a period of listening to music that was about suicide and self harm but that was before I when into counselling. However one song that did help me was one by a band called Between the Trees it was called The Way She Feels. It was kind dark but it gave me hope somehow. The lines that will stay with me are:

“Curled up she's on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around….

She opened her eyes
And found relief in His life
And put down her knives”

One song that has encouraged me to let others see my scars is Exit Wounds buy The Script and a few lines in particular that have encouraged me are:

“Lose your clothes and show your scars, that’s who you are”

These are the lyrics that I want to get tattooed on me as a kind reminder that I have finally been cut free for almost 2 years and that I am finally able to let people see my scars.

All my life music has been a huge influence to me. It has been the one constant that was always there. When I was bullied it was there, when my grandfather left it was there, when people died it was there and when I was slowly killing myself it was there and now it is here when I have bad days and I don’t feel like getting out of bed. It is a constant, even though it has changed over the years and the music has become different, it was always something I knew would be there at the end of the day.

Third WRITING…..

I kept a journal through my counselling sessions and they also had me writing my life story which at first would do me more harm than good, but surprisingly the things I could not talk about I could write them and let my counsellors read. For some reason it seemed less emotional. I don’t know if that makes sense haha. I would sit and write out lyrics and then eventually the lyrics of music that helped me worked their way onto my walls along with quotes by people that I found inspirational and ones that I loved. Writing was another escape for me. When I was writing I was not cutting or throwing up.

Fourth READ……

I would read any books I could get my hands on. I loved reading Nicholas Sparks novels, they helped as I would escape into a world where there was immense love and triumph over obstacles. I came to love A Walk To Remember as this was such an immense love story and I fell in love with the book and film. It was an escape that I loved.

Fifth BAKE…..

My nanna taught me how to bake when I was 4 year old. We would stand in the kitchen and bake for hours on end and then give it away. I found something so therapeutic about the methodology of measuring and mixing and kneading dough, when I was doing this I would not think of anything else except the next step and how I was going to get rid of everything I made. This took my mind off of everything.

Sixth MOVIES….

I would sit and have movie marathons to take my mind off into another world. I would sit and watch Disney movies. They would take me back to a simpler time where the biggest dilemma I had to deal with was what teddy was I going to sleep with that night. At the end of the movie the Prince Charming swept the girl off her feet and took her to the castle where they lived happily ever after. I know that is not always true but it is nice thinking that in an alternative reality somewhere it does happen. When I watched these films everything seems so simple and safe and good would always overcome evil. And no one is ever too old for Disney!

Seventh DESIGN…..

When I first sunk into my depression my art led me to designing and I developed my own imaginary fashion line which one day I hope I will be able to release. I love fashion and make up and all things girly. This is something really positive to come out opf all the hard things I went through.

I still use all of these today when I am down. They seem to be really important mechanisms for me. As I said everyone has a different way of coping with feelings and down days and these are just mine. I would love to hear what all of you do to cheer yourself up when you are down so get your opinions in.

Kayliegh

xox