Do You Really Know Me, Really?

Hey guys,

First just let me quickly apologize for my absence last week, I was snowed under all weekend. I'm back now though, and hopefully you can forgive the gap I left in our posting two by two! Secondly, this following post is going to be a bit of a personal one, so as to balance out the POV's we have on here. Kayliegh has posted two absolutely brilliant blogs on here about eating disorders, today, and last Monday! Here is my personal ramblings on the topic...

Now.

Do you really know me? If you saw me on the street would you know that I used to starve myself on purpose? Would you be able to tell? I bet you wouldn't. I wouldn't be on for advertising the fact. But its the truth.

People in my life, all of whom know me pretty well, will know that I am a big fan of my food. As a kid, I was the only person I knew, of my age, who would willingly eat a salad. My mother has even told me the stories of when I was maybe four, sitting on her knee in a cafe with her friend, helping her eat a giant plate of salad. We used to share salads when we went shopping, I remember them vividly. One plate, two sets of forks.

I don't know how or when I started skipping meals, but it certainly wasn't to be thin. I only say this because it will aid me getting my point across: I have been stick-thin since my puppy fat dropped off, around the age of 3 or 4. My family found it an unmitigated nightmare to get me clothes that fit. Being tall and thin as a child helps nobody, especially when the clothes are sold by age, rather than size!

I have never skipped a meal to aid in weight-loss, that much is true. I did so because I thought I deserved to be punished for the bad things I did, the bad person I was. If I had a fight with my boyfriend, I wouldn't eat til maybe, dinner the next day to punish myself for "being a shit person", as I rationalized it.

I hated myself for being weak (and to me being weak was my anxiety, my panic attacks, my constant battles with depression), for making people miserable, and so, I would deliberately skip meals to atone. I have lied to everyone at some point, maybe even you, the person reading this. "Yes, I had breakfast!" was the most common lie. Breakfast is the most important meal, so the old adage goes, but to me, it was the meal that I would deliberately skip, because it was easy to. When lunch came around, it was again, very easy to be really busy until the hunger went away.

At the worst of my self-inflicted punishment, I was working off maybe one slice of toast for a whole day, plus coffee or tea and my anti-depressant medication.

I ate alone, or I didn't eat at all. There was no middle ground. My family are well used to me disappearing with a plate of something to my room. It's never questioned. I can't abide eating with people, though. I make an exception when I'm out with people, but generally, if you pay attention, you may notice (at shoots, for example) that I will eat my lunch before everyone else, and then wander off to do something while everyone else is laying into their food.

In my head at the time, starving was the only way I could be punished for being the awful person that I felt I was. If I made someone feel bad, I would make myself feel ten times worse to, as I saw it, even things out.

Passing out in my back yard was the last straw, or the second to last, as you'll understand in a moment. I gave my mother the fright of her life, after I skipped two days worth of meals, on the third I got up to make something, because I felt ill and that was a warning sign, only to feel dizzy and go out for air. I don't remember anything after that until I was being rushed to the GP for an emergency appointment. It was brushed off as a drop in blood sugars. I had to have my blood pressure monitored every day for a week but nothing more. I went home and had a salad.

The next time I passed out, I did it in the kitchen, after another "punishment" session. I remember eating soup, sitting on my kitchen floor, when I came around. I think my mother was less fazed by the second collapse than the first because I wasn't hauled off to the GP, this time around. But two faints were enough to tell me to get my shit together. Mam was scared the first time. I was scared the second time.

Its only been in the past few months I've been eating properly again. It's been oddly tough, and I do slip into old ways on occasion, but mostly its been a conscious effort on my part. I still eat irregularly, but the irregularity is usually based off genuinely not feeling hungry at that moment. As someone who lied about food, day in, day out, I can admit right here that I was good at looking like I was eating, but when I was alone, I was doing everything possible to avoid food. These days, I make a mission of having food. If I do skip breakfast, I will pointedly eat a big lunch, and I love a good dinner now. Chris and I talk about this from time to time and he will usually be the voice of reason, my conscience on the outside.

To this day, I don't believe I have, or have had an eating disorder, though, I'm sure there are plenty who would disagree because I always try to eat alone. People may not even believe me when they read this as they may have seen me hoovering down a bowl of pasta, or chomping down a wrap.

I still eat alone.

Let me know if you have had any similar experiences, and if you have, have you overcome them? If you are struggling, I am here to talk to you.

All my love,
Amy
xo

Anorexia

Hi guys!

This weeks topic is anorexia from a psychological point of view. If you are a sufferer or are recovered please get your views on this topic :)

The term anorexia nervosa mean 'lack of appetite induced by nervousness' however the lack of an appetite is not the problem. It is characterized by a fear of gaining weight and refusal to maintain normal weight (85% of expected weight) along with distorted perception of body and absence of 3 consecutive periods. 
Some have questioned the value of the DSM-IV criteria as studies have suggested women who menstruate but match all other criteria are just as ill. For men the equivalent of missed periods is a lack of sexual appetite and low testosterone. However, many who suffer from anorexia do not believe they have a problem. 
There are two types of anorexia:

• Restrictive- They limit the amount of food they take in, they often avoid eating infront of others and even dispose of their food secretly.
• Binge- Eating/Purging- The individual will purge as a compensatory behaviour through methods of self-induced vomiting, laxatives, diuretics and enemas.

The mortality rate of eating disordered females in more than 12 times higher than that of the general population. Death can result from anorexia either from consequence of starvation or suicidal behaviour. There is a lifetime prevalence of 0.5% with 10 females to every male with the disorder.

Eating disorder diagnosis are commonly associated with other disorders:

• 68% of those suffering with anorexia will be diagnosed with with depression (O'Brien and Vincent, 2003) and OCD (Kaye et al., 2004).
•  Binge eating anorexia has a frequent occurrence with substance abuse (Steiger et al., 1999) 
• Restrictive anorexia is associated with personality disorders (Skodol et al., 1993).
• Anorexia is associated with BPD (O'Brien & Vincent, 2003)
• More than one third of patients have engaged in some kind of self-harming behaviours for example cutting (Paul et al., 2002).

Clinical management for eating disorders is a serious challenge as patients are conflicted about getting better with 17% of people committed to hospital against their will (Watson et al, 2000). There has been a high therapy drop out rate and there is no evidence that medication works in the treatment with anorexia (Firburn & Harison, 2003). 

The treatment of choice for adolescents with anorexia is family therapy if the individual developed the disorder before they were 19 years old and had been suffering for less than three years.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is used in the treatment of anorexia. It focuses on changing behaviour and maladaptive thinking. There is a recommended length of 1-2 years and it is shown to reduce the severity of symptoms. 

Like with all treatments and disorder it takes will power and the drive in yourself to get to a good place and develop from the eating disorder. 

I would love to hear some personal experiences of anorexia and how you are over coming it.

Kayliegh

xox

Eating Disorders ~ Bulimia.

Hi Guys!

This weeks post is about Bulimia. I am writing this from a psychological theory perspective and my experience.

An eating disorder is defined in the APA as abnormal eating habits that threaten your health or even your life which include Anorexia, Bulimia and BED (Binge Eating Disorder). At the heart of Bulimia there is an intense fear of gaining weight and a pursuit of thinness which can sometimes be deadly. 

Bulimia Nervosa is characterized by binge eating and efforts to prevent weight gain such as self-induced vomiting, excessive exercising and many more.  To be diagnosed with bulimia the individual must have recurrent episodes of binge eating and efforts to compensate for it, along with being influenced by body weight and body shape. The average binge would consist of over 4,800 calories. 

There are two main sub-types of bulimia: 

1. Purging Sub-Type ~ compensates for a binge with efforts to expel the food from their body.
2. Non-Purging Sub-Type ~ Compensate with excessive exercising and fasting.

Purging sub-type bulimia accounts for about 80% of reported bulimia cases.

The individual is usually of a normal weight or even over weight, however if they reach the criteria for binge eating anorexia they could be diagnosed with this as there is a greater mortality risk involved. The average onset for bulimia is 20 to 24 years old with a life time prevalence of 1% to 3% and a rate of one male to every ten females with an eating disorder.

Bulimia can lead to electrolyte imbalance, low potassium, damage to hands, throat and teeth due to purging, heart abnormalities and damage to heart muscle.

This is considered a modern disorder and children as young as 7 have been known to develop eating disorders. It is debated as to if bulimia and anorexia should be classed as different disorders as may who meet the criteria for bulimia have previously been diagnosed with anorexia. 

Eating disorders are commonly associated with with other disorders as 63% of individuals are diagnosed with depression along with occurrences of OCD, substance abuse, BPD (bi-polar disorder) and in more than 33% of reported cases the individual has engaged in some kind of self harming behavior. 

There is no one cause of an eating disorder and it is thought that it could be a result of biological, sociocultural, family and individual variables. 

Now you have the facts this is my experience with bulimia.

An eating disorder is never something you get over, it gets better but it doesn't just disappear. In the past six years of being diagnosed with bulimia I have gone through hard times. It had gotten to the stage where I was okay with eating and feeling good about it but there were times where I could not take the pressure of college or school and it got bad again. I just had to keep fighting it.

There were times that I could not bring myself to eat in front of others. We would be sat at college and we would all go for lunch but I would not eat because I knew if I did, I would have to purge and someone would find out. It was not until after we had our first discussion about eating disorders that a friend found me out. She didn't treat me any different and she didn't pressure me to eat either. She would ask me if I felt up to it today to try and encourage me to eat but if I said no she would not force me to eat. But most importantly she didn't tell anyone, she kept my secret and that was the best thing she could do for me. 

There was times where I was going over 24 hours with one meal and I was throwing that up as fast as I could. I would pass out because I would be that dizzy and at times I would not be able to see properly when I had finished getting every last bit of food out of me. I hated myself and always felt like I was not good enough or worthy in a way. Now I am able to eat a meal without feeling horrible, I am able to go out to dinner with my boyfriend and feel good about it. Yeah the feelings of wanting to purge are there but I fight them back because I know that nothing matters aslong as the people who love me are around me. I fight the feelings and urges because I know I am stronger than any urge can be.

Just remember that no matter what you are stronger than any urge will ever be!

If you would like any more information or need to talk about anything please remember that we are here to talk to you and help you. If you would like to know anything more about this topic tweet us, comment or e-mail us and we will help as well as we can.

Kayliegh

xox

Depression

Hi Guys!

So this week is all about depression. Depression is something that anyone can suffer from, it is not age, gender or cultural specific, it is experienced through all cultures! 

Through my experience with depression I have learned a lot. I have been able to distinguish between general down days and actual depressed feelings. At my worse I didn't want to do anything, I had to find a reason each day to even get up out of bed, even if that reason was to go to the bathroom. There are different types of depression and the symptoms can vary. However, depressive disorder has a high co-morbidity rate with other disorders such as eating disorders, stress disorders, anxiety disorders and many more. No matter what group of depressives the person can fall into it can still have a huge effect on the persons life. It is a really hard thing to go through. The worst thing is that you can never truly be 'cured' of depression, you just learn to cope with it and manage it to the point where it will not have as big an impact on your life. 

There are still days where I don't know why I should get out of bed. There are times where I can just sit in bed and cry my heart out and I will not really know why. And 'Why?' is that question I want to know the answer to but I will never really know. I think one day I will come to terms with my depression and the impact that I (in a way) allow it to have on my life. I feel that at times I do not fight it as hard as I should and as hard as I know I can fight it. 

I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 16 years old, but my psychologist believed from talking to both me and my mum that I had been suffering from it for years previous to that and it had all just gotten too much and it had become more noticeable through my self-harm. My self-harm was my way to release the sheer and utter sadness that I had inside. 

Everyone has a different experience with depression. Just like with all depressive disorders you can not compare two people. Which is why all coping methods are unique to each person.

My depression is still something I battle to this day but I am ploughing through it and each day I find a reason to get out of bed even if it is to go to the bathroom and once I am out I figure I should stay up for the day. On these days I put on my boyfriends tracksuit bottoms and his big hoodie and lounge around watching crappy films and on the day if my eating is good I will eat popcorn and sit and talk to my best friends all day, But if my eating is not good I do not eat which is not the best thing to do. But the important thing it to try.

So this is a short synopsis of my depression, of you want more just tell me :)

Stay Strong My Lovelies

Kayliegh

xox

Kaylieghs Story

Trigger Warning:

Contains information about self-injurious behaviour and eating disorders which some readers may find triggering. 

"Strength means recognizing that is is impossible to be strong all the time" ~ Sally Franser

Okay, so this is a little hard to write, I thought I had locked all of this away in a box and put it all in the past. However, the past never stays in the past, does it? But I can't deny my past as it has made me who I am today, I guess that in some way I am thankful to all the crappy things I went through because if I didn't go through them I may have taken a very different path.

So I am Kayliegh and I am 22 and I didn't really have the easiest teenage years to say the least (I feel like I am standing up at an AA meeting or something) and since I was 16 I have been a cutter. I have never said those words like that before it's weird as I never put myself into a category I would always make excuses for my actions but now I realize I was just kidding myself.  

"People have no idea how long something they say can stay in ones mind".

I was never one of the popular kids, I wasn't one of the smart people, I didn't fit into any group so I would bury myself into school work to try and bring up my grades and I started to get smarter. That didn't help as then I was bullied for being to smart then I decided to dumb myself down to try and stop the name calling. I didn't have many friends I had a few people who I though were my friends but they were not really, I learned that the hard way. Then I felt isolated and I didn't know it at the time but I was sinking into depression. I started to feel more lonely and that loneliness was getting worse by the day so I started to hurt myself. For some reason hurting myself made the lonely feelings better and more bearable. I went on doing this for about a year and slowly I became addicted to it, I needed to it get through the day. One night I was on first aid duty at a football match with some true friends and I passed out and they took me to the hospital and this is where my secret was revealed. At this point I was 17 and I was forced to go to see a counselor and I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder and participating in self-injurious behavior. So once a week I would sit in a room with a woman I didn't know and I was expected to tell her everything I was thinking, it was hard but I slowly opened up. Later in my sessions I was diagnosed with bulimia. The think about bulimia is that you don't have to be dangerously thin to be diagnosed and that's why for me it was the perfect alternative to cutting myself because in a way I was still hurting myself. 

Through counseling I started to feel better about myself and I managed to stop. I continued the counseling through my final year in secondary school because I was terrified that with the pressure I would be under that I would start doing it again. I continued it and I made it through the year without hurting myself.

"One day can change everything......"

When I went to college all this changed.........

College is a totally different world to secondary school, new people, new city, new life and a new me..... or so I thought. Even though I made some amazing friends I still felt so isolated and I could feel myself slipping again. Slowly the urges I had felt for the past two years to hurt were getting stronger and stronger and one day I slipped up and that was it. It started to creep back into my life. It started out as one cut every few days, but it became two every day and then more and more to where I couldn't get through one lecture a day without cutting myself and my eating had gotten bad again to the point where I was eating once a day but throwing that up when I would go for a shower. I was back in the dark place I thought I had left behind forever.

"Sometimes all we can do is cry...."

One night I broke and I could no longer keep up the facade and I told my best friend Chris. He was shocked that I had kept this from him when eight months previous to this we were together, I have never been able to figure out why I could tell him but no one else. I was only in my first year of my psychology degree and I didn't want to live anymore, the pressure was just to immense and I didn't know how to handle it and I didn't want to tell my parents as they thought I was better and I didn't want to put them through what they went through when they found out the first time. I was shocked by something Chris did, he never gave up on me. He would sit up until all hours of the morning taking to me and telling me everything would be okay. He pushed me and pushed me to help me get better and be the person that he knew! He knew that I could get better even when I didn't know it, he had faith when I didn't have anything to hold onto. 

"There is always one way out of hell, and that is through it"~ Winston Churchill

The hardest day during this time was the day I gave up my blades to Chris, but I hit rock bottom when I walked over an hour to his house to get them back. However, when I had them I did not feel any of the comfort I used to when I had them. I could never leave the house without at least one blade, they were like a comfort blanket to me bit this time I felt nothing but contempt for them. They changed me, they took away the spark that I had and they hacked that spark into little pieces and changed me into someone I didn't recognize in the slightest. I knew things had to change and that was the moment that I knew that I wanted to get better for me. That was the day that I really knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life..... I wanted to clean up and become a counselor, I wanted to help people who went through crappy things in their life. I wanted to help people who thought that their life was not worth living anymore. 

So that's what I did I sorted myself out with the help of Chris. I am not saying that everything is great now, those urges never go away when I am down or sad or feel like I am not good enough I feel like I want to hurt but I fight those urges and say 'no' I am not going back there because getting to the place where I don't do it everyday took a lot of work and commitment and nights up crying and distracting myself but for the past two years I have been totally clean.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger......."

They say you need life experience to be a counselor, I think between deaths, family members just getting up and leaving, being bullied because I was half English living in Ireland, people stabbing me in the back at every turn, building my walls to keep people out, not trusting guys, depression, anxiety, self-harm and coming out the other end of it, I think I have been through enough.

I have proved a lot of people wrong by getting to the place I am in right now. I have been to hell and back and I'm still standing and I have the scars to prove it. For so long I was ashamed of my scars and my past and I hid myself and would never wear anything that would run the chance of people seeing them but now I don't care, I don't care who sees them now. As weird as it sounds I wear them with some pride, they show that I have been trough a tough dark time in my life but I am proof that there is a way out of it. 

I have some amazing friends now that don't judge me for this and they are partly the reason I am still here. They will never know how much I value them and how much I am in debt to them for saving me and at times they quiet literally saved my life. I don't think Chris knows how much I love him for saving me and believing in me when so many others would have walked away and I can never thank him enough for it and Amy too. Even when Amy and I didn't really know each other she still let him help me and she helped too. Even when me and chris fought she pushed us to talk and she knows when she did this and I thank her for that because if she didn't that could have been the end of our friendship. And I have an amazing boyfriend that helps me and looks past all my mistakes and all of my past and loves me for me and loves all of me when alot of people would not be able to. So thank you guys for believing in me because sometimes people need someone to believe in them before they can believe in themselves.

"Scars are like battle wounds, beautiful in way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it" ~ Demi Lovato

Mental health is not really addressed, there is this ridicules stigma with it, like it is a taboo or something! There is not nearly enough emphasis on it as there is with other problems, and that sickens me! Due to this stupid stigma I was afraid to write and publish this but I think it is about time more people stood up and started telling their story. 

So this is me telling mine and if it will encourage one person out there to tell their story and that their life is worth living then I have done my job.

Always remember in the dark of night, even when you can't see them, the stars are still there.......

Stay strong my lovelies

Kayliegh

xox